The Daily Shower

An Open Letter to Craig Bierko: Come Clean

Dear Craig,

You and I are similar guys.  You're very handsome.  I'm very handsome.  You love hayrides.  I love hayrides.  You Tivo Simon & Simon.  I Tivo Simon & Simon. 

But there is one similarity that makes our similarities very similar.  Your new webseries, Bathing with Bierko, is exactly like this blog you're reading.  In your webseries you interview celebs in the bathtub.  On my blog I interview celebs in the shower.  You bathed John Malkovich.  I've bathed Mark Linn-Baker, Derek Jeter, Bell Biv Devoe, Teen Wolf and other major stars.

You see what I mean?

Now since we're so similar, I'm sure you didn't steal my well-documented idea on purpose.  You know what they say, great minds stink alike.  But I do hope that you recognize the four years of pure hilarity I've put into this blog and offer me a job on your show. 

A conscience is only clean after it bathes.  Do what's right and let me into the shower.

Your handsome and intellectual double,
Marc Cantone

Best of the Shower!

Below you will find some of our favorite moments from The Daily Shower over the last three years.

Celebrities in the shower!

Mark Linn-Baker

Bell Biv Devoe

Teen Wolf

Derek Jeter

Jenna von Oÿ

Scott Bakula

And many more!

Meet Marc's Towel Assistants

Towel Assistants!

Need a date?

Daily Shower Personals!

Fan Favorites

Don't Drop the Wall Mountable Foot-Rest!

I Fought the Dog and the Dog Won!

Pop Culture Quiz!

A Call to Arms (Bust Mostly Hands)

On the Air!

Daily Shower Radio!

The Shower's Golden Era

Marc in March!

One Very Funny July!

Jokes in June!

Harpo Marc in May!

April Showers!

Complete Archives!

***Please bear in mind that some of these posts were written over two years ago and imbedded links may not work.

So We Can All Shine On

6:02 AM - I turn on the shower.  Water is cold at first but soon becomes warm and then finally hot.

6:03 AM - Pull the curtain and step into tub.  Pulling the curtain reminds me of how the doctors on ER, a wonderful dramatic television show I've recently discovered, slide the curtains back in the emergency room.  I've always wanted to be a doctor.  I also wanted to be a pilot but I'm claustrophobic and scared of heights.

6:04 AM - I'm standing under the steaming water and can't help but think that the paramedics on ER don't get enough credit from the doctors.  The paramedics are the first responders.  If it wasn't for them the precious ER doctors wouldn't even have the opportunity to shine.  I guess that's what's troubling me.  Everyone should have a chance to shine.  Like right now, my thighs are shining.

6:51 AM - I'm still standing under the water and have just finished my internal debate about whether paramedics get enough credit on ER. After much back and forth and many rejoinders I've concluded that ER is not about paramedics but rather emergency room doctors.  Spreading the "shine" around is not what the show is about.  I am happy with my decision.

6:53 AM - I'm not happy with my decision to go with T/Gel Daily Dandruff shampoo in lieu of Nizoral non-prescription strength.  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!

6:54 AM - Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!

7:08 AM - Idiot!  Idiot!  Idiot!

7:10 AM - Me and my shining body are getting out.

A Call to Arms (But Mostly Hands)

Some of you may have seen my name mentioned in the press recently as the Washington Post reported:

The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. And it's looking for a few good agents.  Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. One of their first calls was to Marc at the Daily Shower, a well known bathing blogger and inventor.

Much to FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III's displeasure, Marc turned down the offer with only four words: "I have been sullied."

And I have been sullied, ladies and gentlemen.  Saturated, subjugated and deflated by the x-rated (Jesse Jackson texted me that the other day.) There was a time when I would have leapt at an opportunity like this but those days are gone.  I just cannot stomach the sight of password protected sites and their steamy streams of teeming cheerleading teams of teens any more.

Today I bid farewell to all the sites I've logged before: DickInJane, 8thStreetLatinas, 9thStreetFatTinas, CaptainStabbin, BangBus, BangBoat, BangBuggy, BangBike, BangBalloon, BangBoogieBoard, BangBros, MikesApartment, MattsModels, Mitchells Mannequins, ChicksGoBothWays, MilfHunter, ElfHunter, WeLiveTogether, WeBatheTogether, WePlayQbertTogether, WifeysWorld, WifesWhirled, TheCzechIsInTheFemale (sister site to TheCzechIsInTheMale,) BoneMyWife, BoneMyGirlfriend, BoneMyBone, NotThatBone, AmateurCreampies, AmateurChocolateCreampies, AmateurBavarianCreampies, BlackDicksWhiteChicks, WhiteDicksBlackChicks, HerSweetHand, HerSourFoot, HornyHeather, PorkiePatty, DeepsixSue, CumFiesta, HumFiesta, TheOriginalButtMan, TheUnOriginalButtMan, TheAboriginalButtMan, and finally, OralHerShySirs.

I nobly turn my back on e-sexuality and disappear into the sunset of asexuality. 

Goodbye and good riddance!

UPDATE: Found great a new site, LindsayLowHand.  It is not to be believed!

ANOTHER UPDATE: Beyond Belief: Fact or Friction. Can anyone (without the help of Google) determine which of the above sites are real and which have been concocted by our coy writers?

The Daily Shower Culture Quiz

Win a life-time supply of iPods!

Who is this?

 

A.) Paris Hilton

B.) Abraham Lincoln

C.) A toaster

Send answer to:

"I Wonder if Tom Cruise Has Gone Too Far?"

P.O. Box 302

Cherry Hill, NJ 08034

UPDATE:

My friend, the famous television writer, Kevin Sullivan, observes,

"I'm pretty sure the current question is a trap: yes, it's paris hilton [sic] in the picture, but she has the IQ of a toaster, so which answer is more correct?"

How can one even begin to unwrap this gift of philosophical and religious proportions?  One can't.  Either could two.

Camel Toeing the Line

The Daily Shower presents the hottest pictures of "camel toes" this Internet machine has to offer!

Sex Defined

And Twins!

Watch Yo 'Self

Crunk Juice

Three More Reasons to Hate The Daily Shower

Rob A., a very close friend of The Daily Shower's, requested I partake in this Three Questions survey.  Fortunately for Rob I live a quiet, monastic life and have time to do such things.  Unfortunately, however, this won't be of interest for all those who stumble onto The Daily Shower in search of "Nude Boys Showering."  Sorry, chaps, try down the block at NAMBLA.  For all you chappets, try NAWBLA.

Three Names You Go By: Marcy Marc, Sparky, Slazzy

Three Screen Names You Have: N/A for security reasons

Three Things You Like About Yourself: I'm good in bed, literally, I sleep very well.  I am bored at any event no matter how exciting.  And I refuse to lick envelopes.

Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: What's not to like?

Three Parts of Your Heritage: Italian (mostly Sicilian, like Robby boy,) German and Dutch.  Damn those Dutch!  All I needed was a little Jap in me and I would've had the Axis Powers all sewn up!

Three Things That Scare You:  Nude.  Boys.  Showering.

Three Everyday Essentials: Wifi, Hifi, Dove soap

Three Things You're Wearing Right Now: Two words: Shower cap

Three Favorite Bands/Artists: Beatles, Kinks, Smiths

Three Favorite Songs at Present: Queen Jane Approximately, Mod Lang, Rubber Ducky

Three Things You Want To Try And Do In The Next Twelve Months: Move, read Alexander Hamilton bio, and finish this fucking survey.

Three Things You Want In A Relationship: Cuteness, musicianship, and ice cream.

Two Truths And A Lie: I have allergies, I just got a three-piece suit and I love going out at night.

Three Physical Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To You: Like body parts?  I don't know.  All of them.

Three Things You Just Can't Do: Relax, eat seafood, and watch All in the Family.

Three Favorite Hobbies: Musicmachen, reading, and the Yankees (sorry, RA.)

Three Things I Want To Do Really Bad Right Now: Sleep, wake up, and have a catch.

Three Careers You Have Considered: Private detective, farm hand, and limo driver.

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation: Iceland, the Czech Republic, and America's playground, Atlantic City!!!!

Three Kid's Name You Have Considered: Boccaccio, Marcello, and MyPod.

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die: Get linked to from a major blog (not that FWF isn't topper most of the poppermost,) wrestle Lindsay Lohan, and marry Chloe Sevigny.

Three People Who Have To Take This Quiz Now: Orchard, Bragan, and Deputy Dawg.

Shower Searches Vol. 1

From India to Australia, The Daily Shower attracts sickos from around the globe.

Below are actual web searches that have brought visitors to The Daily Shower.  Each search contains words that, in some arrangement, appear somewhere on this site.

chicken wing restaurant failed Google #63

guinness world record vagina Google #65

my moms showering photo Google #3

dick sucking Adelphia Power Search #88

"hutchison for congress" Google #3

naked men communal shower locker room team Yahoo #18

"golden shower" and undercarriage Dogpile #13

why does a baby simulate sexual motions on the Google #36

55% of French don't shower daily Google #2

neil patrick harris girlfriend 2004 Google #3

Jenna Von Oy - butt pics Yahoo #8

kermit the frog humping Google #2

miss her kiss her love her that girl is poison Google #3

celebrities shower Google Malaysia #1

dick sucking Comcast Search #94

Nude Baseball players in showers Google #4

lever the beaver Google #1

that girl is poison BBD Google #1

guinness "oldest virgin" Google #1

"it's driving me out of my mind" poison Google #2

Showering daily is bad Google #18

Big Wally's Furniture Store Yahoo #2

derek jeter is a bitch AOL Search #2

crocodile mile slip and slide Google #20

picture post of my little girl in shower Google #9

recent interviews with mayim bialik Google #2

Marc at Work

8:02 AM - Turned on shower and stepped inside.

8:03 AM - Stared at tiles.

8:08 AM - Stopped staring at tiles and picked up Dove soap.  Made a mental note of the malleability of Dove soap when wet.  Made second, unrelated mental note to rent Men at Work at my earliest convenience.  Made final mental note not to question the homoerotic underpinnings of second mental note.

8:09 AM - Lathered body.  Recalled an early boyhood memory when a coarse, overtly racist friend of mine made a decidedly Dandified remark that the liquid hand soap in the boy's bathroom at our grade school failed to provide a sufficient amount of "lather."

8:12 AM - Splashed feet in water.

8:13 AM - As today is Thursday, I skipped applying my Neutrogena T/Gel (that's "T" FOWARD SLASH Gel) anti-dandruff shampoo.  My NTG schedule is Sun. and Wed.

8:14 AM - Stared at tiles.

1:32 PM - Stopped staring at tiles and got out.

Watch Your Back, Anwar

Last week the Senate gave the greenlight to start drilling Anwar, reported USA Today. 

While Anwar is not the strongest contestant on American Idol he surely does not deserve a government sanctioned ass pouding.  The Senate approved this measure by a 51-49 vote. 

The article touches upon opposition to the drilling:

Opponents of ANWR [sic] drilling say that's not worth the risk to caribou, polar bears and migratory birds who make their home in the refuge...

I have not seen any of the above mentioned animals on the show.  Looks like the liberal media is up to its old tricks.

Those behind the measure say that it has yet to be determined who or what will do the actual drilling. 

One thing is certain, Anwar will surely be Aiken.

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Shower Curtain

"Caffeinated soap may help you wake up in the shower," reports the Albany Times Union yesterday.

A vegetable-based glycerine soap, Shower Shock is scented with peppermint oil[...] In addition, each 4-ounce bar is infused with caffeine anhydrous.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

This is what my life has become.  Googling "shower" to find comedic fodder for The Daily Shower.  Between that and searching endlessly for barely legal girls on Myspace, Friendster and Nerve, I've pretty much hit bottom.  But there's still hope.*

*No there's not.

He So Crazy: Bush chooses Martin as next FCC chairman

In a surprising move, President Bush has appointed Martin as the new chairman of the FCC, Reuters reported earlier today.

It was not specified what role, if any, Sheneneh would be given in Martin's office.  But insiders say that Bruh Man and Tommy are under consideration for advisory positions.

Cole could not be reached for comment.

UPDATE:

Rob A. makes an interesting point:

"Bush is really trying to heal the riff between his adminstration and Hollywood. Look at his latest nomination: Portman Selected as Trade Representative.  She looks the part."

Agreed.

It should also be noted that Bush reached out to the sports community last year when he chose Rice to replace Colin Powell as Secretary of State.

Old Enough to be Your Father Knows Best

The other day I mentioned that I would like to give her the low-hand.  Looks like Hudson Hawk beat me to it.  The NY Post reports:

At an after-after-party at the Peninsula Hotel early yesterday, [Bruce] Willis, who turns 50 this month, and teen queen Lindsay Lohan, 18, enjoyed a mutual gropefest.

Thankfully I'm in the shower so cleaning up my vomit won't be much of a problem.

It continues:

"At one point, Bruce had Lindsay's pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo that said 'La Bella Vista' (The Beautiful View) on her right cheek," says our spywitness.

Do we really need to be told that is a beautiful view?

Finally:

...Willis and a few friends, including Lohan, took the party upstairs to his suite...

...where Bruce read from Le Petit Prince and put Lindsay to bed. 

Poor girl.  A precious flower blossoming with innocence sullied by a turtle headed old man. 

In a related note, a trailer for Willis' new movie, Hostage, proclaims, "Bruce Willis has never been better."  Really?  Better than what?

UPDATE: Ass Backwards

Unfortunately, the NY Post corrects itself today with:

The tattoo on her "lower back" — as her spokeswoman places it — doesn't say "La Bella Vista," it says, "La Bella Vita" (The Good Life).

Suddenly life doesn't mean as much to me now.

There is this tibdit, however:

Lohan's rep said: "She is not interested in Bruce Willis in any way but as the producer of her next film."

Or her first child.

I'd Give Her the Low Hand

The Daily Shower has been on sick leave for the past couple days.  Needless to say, Marc hasn't had the energy to bathe.  He is, however, looking for someone to lend him a Lohan in the shower.  He'll also settle for a Hayek.

Daily Shower Dating: Updated!

Here's another installment of the Daily Shower's online dating service: Date Meordie!

Profile Name: The Skipphim
Profile Quote: “All hands on dick, it’s the Admiral!”
Active within: 2 days
Sexually Active within: 1 week

Man looking for a woman who wants a man not a woman

I’m interested in: (Note: “X” indicates selection)

Friendship:
Dating:
Committed relationship:
Whoring: X

About Me
Age: 61
Location: Thailand
Country: USA
Job: Admiral
Relationship Status: Married
Drink: Like a fish
Smoke: Like a ham
Drugs: Never

About You
Ages between: 18+
Location: Starboard bow
Favorite TV Show: McHale's Navy

What about your wife, Admiral?:

I’ve been on a boat for the past eighteen months. My wife is sixty-five years old. You do the math.

What’s the fluorescent red background in your picture about?:

It’s the Orient, baby. You try finding a photo shop with a white background. You’re lucky I’m not wearing a lime green wetsuit.

Five items I can’t live without:
1. A deck to swap
2. Crokies for my glasses (I can’t tell you how many pairs I’ve lost looking over the side of the ship) 
3. Ship in a bottle of rum
4. Coral reefer (a few hits never hurt no one)
5. My Segway

Celebrity I most resemble:
Ernest Borgnine

Essay:

Not only am I a sea fairing man, I’m also a fair man. Granted this isn’t exactly fair to my wife but I’m almost certain she’s serviced by brother’s hang-low at least a few times while I’ve been out to sea. So, I’m requesting the company of a Thai woman during leave at my next port of call.

Shower Torture

Live-blogging the Oscars last night was bloggeriffic!  What fun we didn't have.  What memories not made.  What mental anguish we suffered.  What a waste.

It's only a matter of time before the CIA makes Gitmo prisoners live-blog something.

Live-Flogging the Oscars!

Note: To keep up with Marc's frenetically boring posts, you must keep refreshing the page.

11:38 - OK.  It's over.  What a night.  There are so many people to thank. Rob A., Austin, MFS, Hakeem the Statue, Amanda, Regina, porn star Clit Eastwood, Skippy Henderson, Advil, Raisin Bran, and everyone at Sean Jean.  We love you!  Good night!

11:25 - Friends, the awards are wrapping up.  Some people won and some people didn't.  Who's up for a mass suicide once the show's over?

11:08 - Why isn't Morgan Freeman narrating Hillary Swank's acceptance speech?  "She came to Shawswank after murdering Steve Sanders."

10:58 - Jay Z's gonna fuck up Josh Groban after this.

10:48 - I wonder how Yo-Yo Ma feels knowing that the only reason most people know his name is because Kramer kept yelling it after crazy Joe Davola kicked him in the head?

10:44 - And now Martin Scorsese and Roger Mayer will go head to head in a big glasses fight to the death.

10:39 - Hey Travolta, I've seen bass drums with smaller heads.

10:34 - John Stamos is Jake in Progress.  Jake in Progress is a piece of shit.

10:20 - Penelope and Selma will now blow all the sound mixers.  The erections of the guys who won are harder than their Oscars.

10:09 - Look behind Jermey Irons' right shoulder, it's the drummer from the Spin Doctors!

10:08 - Remember when Beyonce shook her big ass all over Ulysses S. Grant's tomb on July 4th some twenty years ago?  Well, that's what he was fighting for after all.

9:56 - The Family Business.  Can't win 'em all, Sidney.

9:53 - I met Sidney Lumet once...you could say I Lumet him...get it??

9:48 - John Dykstra, proud father of Lenny.

9:45 -  Every time Thomas Lowell Church mugs for the camera Paul Giamatti's heart breaks.

9:30 - The Academy loves documentary films.  They line the filmmakers up before shooting them.

9:28 - Whoopi Goldberg says there was only one Carson...OK, two.

9:22 - Don't forget for a very special performance from the Eagles singing Hotel Rwanda.

9:20 - Who's more annoying?  Katherine Hepburn or Cate Blanchett as Katherine Hepburn?

9:16 - I think Ted Danson's Gulliver Travels should've been nominated for something.

9:12 - Chris Rock goes Jay Walking...gets racially profiled and is arrested.

9:09 - Mickey Rooney yelling, "Fine? Why Fine?"

9:03 - As a special treat, Drew Berrymore took the virginity of every boy in the choir.

8:49 - Good for Morgan Freeman.  Though I think he should've won for Bruce Almighty.

8:47 - Rene Z. looks like she has an Oscar up her ass.

8:44 - Art Direction.  Way to kick off this boring as fuck night with a boring as fuck award.

8:43 - Chris Rock was funny.  I wasn't.

8:41 - The audience is pleasuring each other to Rock's jokes about Billy Bush.

8:34 - The Gay Mafia is giving Chris Rock a standing ovation.

8:30 - Every time someone wins tonight my mom will slash me with an extension cord.

8:27 - Jann Carl just did something in her panties.

8:20 - Only nine minutes left...of my life.  Did Chris Connelly just say, "It's gonna be FAB-uuu-lus!!"?

8:10 - You should see the dress I'm wearing right now.  It's backless and frontless.

8:06 - ABC asks your favorite Oscar acceptance speech?  "Fuck the darkies!" D.W. Griffith

7:58 PM - It's Oscar count down time!

The Oscars, ABC & TDS: Live Blogging the Oscars!

ABC and TDS team up to bring you an exclusive web-event!

Just when you thought The Daily Shower™ couldn’t get any worse, Marc will be live-blogging* the Oscar Awards® this Sunday(G-D) night at 8:00 PM EST/1:22 PM PST.

Come and join us fo® the Osca®®'s! It may not be fun but it'll su®e be funny o® annoying.

And then stay tuned afte® the Osca®®'s when Ma®c will take pa®t in a live flogging!

Since®ely,
TDS Edito®ial Staff

ABC = "Another Bad Creation"
™ stands for "Turgid Musings"
*Live-blogging is when a narcissist updates his or her blog with ungodly frequency during a televised live event.
® stands for “Retarded”
(G-D) = Owned by God
EST is short for "Estevez, Emilio"

Introducing The Daily Shower's DateMeordie

Haven't met your Match at Match.com? Is Nerve.com getting on your Nerves?  Is Cupid.com Stupid.com?

Join all the other losers and sign up* for The Daily Shower's new dating service Date Meordie!

*You can’t really sign up.

MitchMan68 is kicking things off with our very first member profile!

Profile Name: MitchMan68
Profile Quote: “What? Come on, baby. Don’t go!”
Active within: 1.3 seconds
Sexually Active within: eight years

Man looking for a woman who wants a man not a woman

I’m interested in: (Note: “X” indicates selection)

Friendship:
Dating:
Committed relationship:
Whoring: X

About Me
Age: 36
Location: NYC
Country: USA
Job: Self employed
Education: College
Ethnicity: Italian
Religion: Catholic
Drink: Never
Smoke: Never
Drugs: Never

About You
Ages between: 18-36
Location: NYC
Country: USA
Education: College
Drink: Sometimes
Smoke: Sometimes
Drugs: Sometimes

How did my last relationship end?:

Have you seen my picture?

What do I sleep in?:

Have you seen my picture?

Five items I can’t live without:
1. Cell phone
2. Family
3. Mask polish and shammy
4. My buddies
5. The shakes

Fill in the blanks:
Your face is good
Your face in some psycho-sexual dog mask is better

In my bedroom you’ll find:

A horror show you cannot begin to imagine.

Essay:

My name is Mitch. I work for the New York Department of Transportation. It’s not very exciting but it pays the bills. I live in Queens. Play softball every Sunday in the spring. Basically, I’m your average guy.

Now, I know you’re wondering about the mask. Don’t feel bad. Everyone does. I have a diagnosed medical condition. I don’t want to get into it too much here but basically I have severe low self esteem. The mask makes me feel better about myself. And you know what? Those pretty boy shit bags in Albany just have to eat it because the state can’t fire me. Ever hear of the Americans with Disabilities Act?

That’s right. I wear the mask at work. I wear it when the boss calls me into his office.  I wear it at the fax machine.  And when everyone stares at me, you know what I tell them? Suck on it. If they even think about dropping a pink slip on me I’ll have every cripple, slobber-jawed, Life Goes On reject in the five boroughs doing the Electric Slide all the way down to the Supreme Court.

I don’t have any kids…yet! I would love to find the right woman to settle down with and start a family. Are you that woman?

The Daily News

Frequently Asked Question about The Daily Shower:

What in the fuck is this?

Answer:

What could I possibly say that would make you or your family happy?

U.S. Presidents: Showering Since 1833!

The Daily Shower wishes all of our readers a very happy President's Day.

In the spirit of the holiday, we present you with an image of the very first presidential shower facility.

President Andrew Jackson had this shower installed in 1833 specifically to clean his Old Hickory stick.

Country Shock!

Ever wonder why Country Crock commercials only feature the family members from the neck down?

The Daily Shower has obtained an exclusive photo of the Country Crock family from the neck up.

It's More Than Just a Shower!

After recently completing a stint at the institute, I've decided to expand my horizons.  The Daily Shower will now feature not only my bath-ruminations but my thoughts on a variety of subjects, as well.  Why?  Because it's too fucking hard thinking up clever shower ideas.  I got nothing left.  Is that what you want to hear? 

So to kick things off I will offer up a marketing idea for pizza parlors across the country.  On every box of pizza should be the phrase, "You've tried the rest, Now try the best!"  I believe that this message will convey to patrons that your pizza is better than that offered by the competition. 

While I'm on this subject, I would be remiss if I did not comment upon Chuckie Cheese's.  Is it wise to have a gigantic rat as the mascot for your dining establishment?  Next time you order a pie, make sure you specify toppings not droppings.

UPDATE: During my research of the so-called "Chuckie Cheese's" or "Chuck E. Cheese's" I discovered something rather alarming.  Here, my friends, is a woman who describes herself as belonging to the "Chuckie Cheese People."  What kind of a perverted, rat infested, escort service are they running over there? 

ANOTHER UPDATE: While I am appalled by the above mentioned woman, I am not unwilling to meet her.  Ms. Chuckie Cheese, if you're reading this, please email or leave a comment.  Maybe we could, you know, go out for a slice of pizza or something.

Shower Yourself

We will return soon. In the meantime join Marc in the tub with past celebrity interviews or learn about his Towel Assistants or listen to Marc's first live radio broadcast from the shower or go spelunking deep inside Pennsylvania's famous Indian Caves!

The Year of the Shower

I'm taking a break from my work at the institute to congratulate myself on being named one of the People of the Year by ABC News.

The honorific is nice but, come on, throw me some cash, a prize, something.  Let's be honest here, I have places to go and a special someone to see.

Marc

Wine Bathing: Not Just for Hobos Anymore

A curious insight from my uncle, Pennsylvania's premier vinter:

"Brother Marc,

I have discovered a very important finding in regard to showering, washing, tubbing, & almost anything else that may come up.  Being a serious vintner right here in Central Pennsylvania the discovery is not only a cost saver i.e. the water bill, it also saves on electric bills, soap, shower curtains, & fluffy towels.

I haven't showered in weeks and I still carry a delightful aroma proudly on my shoulders.  BUT HOW CAN THIS BE?

Answer: The aroma from my wines keep me smelling like a rose.  So what I do each morning is pour 1/3 cup of wine in a real pretty bowl.  Then dip a real groovy wash cloth into the succulent wine.  With such wine cloth, I then give my self a quick "wine bath."   Pretty clever & "the chicks" love it---along with My Susan.

Better check out --- my wine is calling.

Later on down the road,

Raymond"

From a Padded Bathroom

Dear Dirty Freaks,

I've received a number of concerned inquiries about my well being...rather the smell of my being.  I feel it only appropriate that I reveal to you the reason for my absence from the shower.  I have been in rehab.  About a month ago my family held an intervention outside the door of my bathroom.  By that time it was going on a week that I had been in the shower.  The hot water heater broke but I didn't care.  I, along with my burly friend Mitch and the local girls swim team, shivered my way through four of those seven days.  Finally the fire department came and promised me a portable shower if I got out.  They made good on the promise (and then some!) and I rode in that portable shower all the way to the rehabilitation center.  I'm pleased to report that I'm down to four and half showers a day (the half consists of a warm-towel session.) 

So to my good friends Bragan, Rob A.,Mark H., Jen, Carl, Austin, and all the other less important people who wrote, I thank you.

Unfortunately, with my days here filled with workshops and classes, I am unable to bring you daily updates.  They tell me that with a lot of hard work and less hard water that I could be out of this place in a few weeks.

Here's soaping! (Get it? Like hoping!)

Marc

Razor Ray

MARC: Hey, kids! Look who it is! My uncle Ray has stopped by to say hello.

RAY: I've always told you I'd pay you a visit.

MARC: So, what's new?

RAY: I've been making a lot of wine.

MARC: Tell me about that.

RAY: Well, I mix up the wine in my basement.

MARC: That's very impressive.

RAY: Weed between the vines, Marc.

MARC: I'm trying.

RAY: I love making the stuff. The aromas I got going in the basement, oh man! It comes up through the floor boards. I tell you I feel alive when I smell that stuff!

MARC: I don't really drink.

RAY: You're a teetotaler?

MARC: Totally. So where do you get all the bottles? Do you buy them?

RAY: No, I get them from recycle bins. I’m recyling! I’ve got about five hundred bottles in the basement. Throw ‘em in a tub of hot water and dump some enzymes and different chemicals in. Cleans them right out.

MARC: I hope that's sanitary.

RAY: I don't know about that but check out the labels I make. Look at this one. It’s a sangiovese. Ricky Ricardo says, “I was so so busy till this vese make me dizzy!” Ha! Look here at this one, it’s a gewurztraminer, very popular now. Ernie Banks says, “Yes, so let’s brew two next time!”

MARC: Did he really say that?

RAY: No, no, no. I just make it up. Look here, by "Keystoned Vinters." It used to be Keystone, you know, we live in Pennsylvania. I added the stoned.

MARC: Now, what do you do with it all?

RAY: I give it away! I feel like Santa Claus in his work shop.

MARC: OK, Santa. Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you at the family shower.

Aqua-Eroticism

One of the Shower's most loyal readers has confessed to something rather disturbing. This reader admits to eating fistfuls of Gummi Bears while showering. "They [Gummi Bears] get all shiny and slippery when wet. It's a nice experience."

Where do I begin with this aqua-erotic confession? It's hedonistic, gluttonous, and, above all, dangerous.

Let's start with hedonism. Does this reader wish to engage these Gummi Bears in a shower sex romp? After all, she wouldn't be the first.

Or is it gluttony? This reader's insatiable appetite for Gummi Bears manifests itself in many ways. Look how she satisfies her hunger on lonely Friday nights. Disgusting.

But it's here that I must take a stand. It's dangerous to consume foodstuff in any body of water, including light or heavy showers. Choking, bloating, gagging. Must I go on? The purpose of this blog is to make our children safe. I don't have any children myself but I would like some one day. (Attractive women please contact Marc directly concerning this matter of conceiving children. Include pictures and detailed accounts of what you'll do to him. -- ed.) Where was I? Oh yeah, kids shouldn't eat in the shower. Hot women call me please.

I Want to be a Lying Rat Fincke Astronaut When I Grow Up!

Six Months Without a Shower or Bath? No Problem, Astronaut Tells Youngsters

Disgraceful. After all the progress Scott Bakula and I have made in advancing bathing awareness we have some hot shot John Glenn wannabe telling KIDS that it's just dandy to treat the shower like a stranger. What's next, field trips to WHORE HOUSES!

"We have some special space shampoo that doesn't require water, and it does a pretty good job," [astronaut] Fincke said.

Capt. Fincke thinks that he if employs blinding alliteration and attaches the words "special space" in front of some outlandish claim that he's absolved from the burden of proof. Where is this "water-less" shampoo, sir?

"We certainly enjoy three meals a day, and that's the time when the commander and I, we have a chance to talk about our day and go over our plans," Fincke said, "so mealtime is one of my favorite times."

Don't change the subject, Spock. Mr. Bakula and I have worked too hard and too long. We expect a written retraction immediately. On top of that, we insist that NASA change its space bathing policy to include one large claw-foot tub in every shuttle. It's about having class, people.