The Daily Shower

Career Day

The Daily Shower has received a number of applications for the job of towel assistant.

Reader Ms. Jenna Kelley writes:

"Dear The Daily Shower:

I really feel your pain about the shower assistant. In fact, I don't know how you can keep it up, with all your responsibilities all alone. So, I thought of my friend Lucinda who has been having a lot of trouble getting her son, Johnson, motivated to find work. He only seems interested in tub activities, so I thought he would be right up your alley. He may require a little training, but any good candidate is worth the investment.

I would apply myself, being unemployed and all, but my boyfriend would probably not like it if I were naked in the shower with you everyday.

In closing I would like to express my continued loyalty to The Daily Shower, and I wish you luck with your search for applicants."

Dear Ms. Kelley,

We greatly appreciate your effort but our rules clearly state that the applicant
must be at least 18-years-old (or 16-years-old with working papers.) Remember last year's winner?

We regret that your boyfriend, who looks like a fine gentleman, would find your
employment with us anything but professional.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Reader Helga (no last name given) writes:

"i vud like to apply for ze pozision... sowwy, me english is veddy bed.. forgift me.
here you vill find me photography of me in ekshun. i zink my skilz vill proof to be veddy profitable to me and veddy zatisfy forr yu."

Dear Helga,

Your phonetic spelling of the English language is impressive. We will certainly consider you for the position (for many positions, actually.)

Mark Lee, a devout asiaphile, writes:

"Helga certainly appears to be a viable candidate! However, as a big fan of Pang, perhaps you need to put up a variety of Pang pics.......just a suggestion.

Mark
Pang a Gong Fan Club
Treasurer"

Dear Mark,

While we appreciate your work as treasurer of Pang's fan club (especially the recent tennis outing), we are appalled that you would think of her in such a libidinal way. Pang is right now working very hard to regain the use of her left hand. The Daily Shower suggests you worry more Pang's left hand than your right hand.

The Daily Shower is still accepting applications. Please send all materials to Marc@thedailyshower.com.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Daily Shower will be off on Monday but be sure to tune Tuesday for an all new celebrity interview! Past guests can be found here.

Harpo Marc

I hate to harp on the loss my towel assistant but one of our most loyal readers, Mitch Addleberg, has brought something dire to my attention. There was a young man by the name of Roy Williams who lost his towel assistant Trevor to drugs exactly three years ago. Roy thought he could shower alone. So where is he today? Take a look. It sends chills down my soaking wet back (That was not a racial slur. Ed.)

I'm afraid that if I don't find a new towel assistant soon I might end up like Roy. I'm spiraling out of control, dear readers, and my plush Eddie Bauer Sunwash Sculpted-Shell Bath Rug is not enough to break my fall.

Will you help me?

A Pang in My Heart

We have some unfortunate news to report. The injury Pang, my little wonder of a towel assistant, sustained yesterday is much more serious than we thought. The Daily Shower's doctor tells us that Pang will need to undergo intensive rehabilitation to get even normal functionality of her hand back.

Let's take a moment to reflect on the genius that is Pang. Pang always knew just how dry I should be. Never once did she over-rub and leave my skin irritated. Never once did she under-dry and leave excessive moisture between my thighs (which leads directly to chaffing.) Pang was a brilliant technician and it's only now that I realize just how significant this loss will be for The Daily Shower.

And let's not reduce Pang's work to that of a mere towel assistant. She was much more than that. She shampooed, she lathered, she massaged, she even counseled me through a very difficult breakup.

Will Pang will ever recover her former glory or will she end up the Joe Theisman of professional towel assistants? We hope and pray for her. For us all.

Life without Pang is already proving to be difficult. I'm sitting here at the computer soaking wet. Perhaps I wouldn't mind so much if the sun was out; at least then the radiant sun light would glisten off my semi-nude body. But it's cloudy and damp today. If there was ever a time to be dry.

So I appeal, like yesterday, to my readers. We are taking applications for a temporary towel assistant. Please email your picture and a few words about why you want this job to Marc@thedailyshower.com. Your picture will be featured on The Daily Shower until I find a permanent towel assistant or until you quit.

(Note: You must be at least 18 years old to enter. The Daily Shower is still in litigation with last year's winner.)

If you are interested in becoming Marc's new towel assistant

Please send a picture of yourself and a short description of why you should have the job to Marc@thedailyshower.com. The winner will be selected in two weeks.

Job Opening: Towel Assistant w/excell. svc skills. Great opt. for recent grads. No shame req'd. Soft hands pref'd. Marc offers competitive compensation package.

It finally happened. 25 years without a single incident. A quarter of a century down the shower drain.

Today I slipped in the tub. I broke the golden rule: never dance in the shower. But I couldn't help myself. I recently bought an instructional video called Doing the Electric Slide with Carmel Washington and I was eager to test out my new moves. As I came up for the first knee kick my right foot got tangled in the exfoliating loofah sponge hanging from the center faucet. My left foot slid over an errant sliver of Irish Spring on the tub floor which sent me hurtling through the air. I latched on to my brand new Afghan shower curtain for balance and ended up ripping the entire thing down as I fell. And poor Pang, my sweet little towel assistant. She had just stepped in to shampoo my legs when it all happened. I landed right on top of the girl and broke all the fingers on her left hand.

Until Pang's cast comes off, The Daily Shower will be looking for a temporary towel assistant. (Past towel assistants can be seen here.)

If you are interested in becoming my new towel assistant, please send a picture of yourself and a short description of why you should have the job to Marc@thedailyshower.com. The winner will be selected in two weeks.

Good luck! And make it quick. My body don't lather itself.

Jenna von Oÿ vs. Marc von Boÿ

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please--

MARC: Excuse me, Red. I think I should introduce our guest today.

ANNOUNCER: Then why did I even bother coming in?

MARC: It's your job. But now that I see the lovely Jenna von Oÿ standing here in our studio I feel your introduction wouldn't do her justice.

ANNOUNCER: I think you're right.

MARC: This young woman holds a special place in all our hearts. She was the fast talking, slightly loose girl-next-door we all loved. The kind of girl that would get drunk on wine coolers then stumble into your house by mistake. She is special. She is Jenna von Oÿ and she portrayed Six LeMeure on the National Broadcasting Company's hit series Blossom.

(A reluctant JENNA VON OŸ is pushed into the shower by her AGENT.)

JENNA: Thanks--Marc, is it?

MARC: That's right, Jenna and please watch your hand.

JENNA: Thanks, for having me, Marc.

MARC: I hate to start the interview with an adversarial tone but WHY, when after all your years with NBC, did you not once make a The More You Know public service announcement encouraging children to bathe properly?

JENNA (confounded): I honestly don't know. It never occurred to me or my management.

MARC (shakes his head): Passing the buck to your handlers. Typical.

JENNA: Aren't there more serious issues out there like drugs or violence.

MARC (pulls a clipboard from under his towel): Interesting you bring that up. Are you aware that 3% of all teens arrested for narcotics or gun violations had NOT bathed for at least two days prior to their arrest? Do you see where I'm going?

(Jenna shrugs.)

MARC: Looks like the cat's got your tongue, eh motor-mouth?

JENNA: What is your problem?

MARC: Dirty children. That's my problem. And it's Scott Bakula's problem. It's all of OUR problem.

JENNA: You gave me this great introduction and now you're all over me.

MARC: It's called softening your target, sweetie. Perhaps next time you tell America's youth to go screw themselves, you'll think twice.

JENNA: I never said anything like that!

MARC: Not in so many words.

JENNA: I love children!

MARC (flips a page on his clib board): Let me read you a quote from a certain Mayim Bialik. Remember her? "On the set of Blossom, Jenna rarey showered. It was a huge problem."

JENNA (tries to grab the clip board from Marc): This is bullshit! Let me see that!

MARC (to his BODYGUARDS): OK, get her out of here. It's over.

JENNA: I'm not finished!!!

MARC: You are now! Hit the bricks! You've been eighty-sixed!

(The Guards grab Jenna and drag her from the shower. Marc stretches his neck from side to side.)

JENNA (fighting the Guards): You fucking little faggot!

MARC: Hey, I ain't gay, jabber jaw but in my opinionation a broad like you might do the trick. Get her and her umlaut the fuck outta here!

(Marc turns around and shadow boxes in the corner of the shower. Jenna breaks free from the Guards and leaches onto Marc's back. The two wrestle and fall out of the shower, ripping the curtain to the floor.)

THE DAILY SHOWER IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE TUNE INTO TOMORROW FOR AN ALL NEW SHOW.

Read More Celebrity Interviews

Rollo Hessy RIP 1949-2004

We have a very unfortunate announcement to make. Yesterday we unveiled our plans to release the world's first shower bed, the DSB 200.

Last night, while testing the DSB 200, one of our lead designers, Rollo Hessy, suffered a tragic accident which left him unable to continue living. Our legal department has instructed us not to discuss the matter but I feel a responsibility to my readers and Rollo, who has no friends or extended family, to elaborate on the accident.

At approximately 1:00 AM this morning, as Rollo slept soundly in the shower bed, the super-soft vinyl support mesh began to give way. Rollo's arms and legs became tangled in the mesh cutting off circulation to his limbs and head. Being a heavy sleeper, Rollo was not awake for the last minutes of his life. When Pang, Marc's towel assistant, entered the bathroom this morning to prepare my daily shower, she found Rollo hanging in the DSB 200 like a lifeless moth in a spider web.

We pause today to remember the legacy of Mr. Rollo Hessy.

OK, now we have that out of the way...

Every Monday from now on The Daily Shower will feature its exclusive celebrity interviews!!! Be sure to catch up on past interviews with Derek Jeter and David Gest!

Also starting next week The Daily Shower will announce its first reader contest. Details will be made available at that time. However, our legal department informs us that we can reveal the prize: a shower with Marc.

(Note: You must be at least 18 years old to enter. The lawyers are still dealing with the fallout from last year's winner.)

Introducing the DSB 200!

I am pleased to announce that The Daily Shower has just signed a deal to release our own line of bathing products and accessories. Our first item will be the Daily Shower Bed 200. I am currently working with a team of industrial designers and volunteers and hope to have the DSB 200 on the market early 2007.

The DSB 200 consists of a non-rust aluminum frame and a top-quality super-soft vinyl mesh. The premise of the DSB 200 is to simulate lying in a hammock or field during a summer rainstorm.

One of our designers at the University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Catherine Haegele, has identified an additional, and revolutionary, use for the DSB 200. Taking the prototype of the DSB 200, Dr. Haegele and her team of trained crickets discovered that sleeping in the DSB 200 was not only possible but preferable to the traditional mattress. Dr. Haegele believes that the DSB 200 will render the traditional bedroom obsolete.

I came up with the idea for the DSB 200 a few years ago during a most pleasant summer rainstorm. I recorded the moment in my journal:

"I was working quietly in my study when the window blew open. My papers scattered and the candlelight flickered. I quickly buttoned my cardigan and made haste getting to the window as wind-whipped rain filled the room. No sooner had I cursed Chac, the Mayan God of Rain and Lightning, when I realized just why Poseidon fathered so many children: the gentle mist of salty rain is intoxicatingly erotic. I will make a shower bed!"

Oh yeah, the Morning Zoo Crew was talking about the finale of the Bachelor last night. You know how they should've decided the winner? Three words: dick sucking contest.

Great Scott

The other day I briefly mentioned world famous TV actor Scott Bakula's work in the bathing community. Scott's non-profit organization, Y.W.M.B.I.W.Y. (You Wash My Bakula and I'll Wash Yours) is an Oakland, CA based group of volunteers who visit low-income areas to teach underprivlaged children how to bathe properly.

Y.W.M.B.I.W.Y. has worked tirelessly and without prejudice. Scott has contributed hundreds of dollars and spent at least a dozen hours working for this cause.

So far the group has distributed over 30 wash cloths, 19 bars of hand made gourmet soap and 4 pairs of exfoliating massage gloves to youngsters in need. This type of altruism warms the heart like a brand new 8 inch Centurian Shower head with Victorian Arm and Escutcheon warms the body.

There was one unfortunate incident in which a group of celebrity volunteers including, Jay Leno and Mick Fleetwood, neglected to include towels in their care packages and about twenty children from the ages of 8-10 could not dry off. But Scott, displaying his true talent as a thespian, acted as if paper bags from the local Costco were towels and instructed the children as such. With the exception of a few paper cuts, the day was a success.

Scott, we salute you and all that you've done.

Drained

Clogged tub today. Had to work the Drano for about a half-hour. It was touch-and-go for a while there but we managed to "clear the clog" as professional plumbers like to say.

Now, I know Drano is not meant for bathtubs, in fact, it's strictly prohibited. But I refuse to use a plunger in any other venue than the toliet. It's a bio-hazard.

"But, Marc, we have two plungers. One for the toilet and one for the shower."

How can a person ever be sure of where one plunger has been, let alone two or three? I am not willing to take that risk. One of the country's leading plunger proponents, Dr. Paul Lombardi, thinks I'm overreacting. "If a family keeps, say one plunger in the downstairs bathroom and another upstairs to use specifically for the shower," Dr. Lombardi explains, "then I see no reason for the two to be confused."

No reason? I got two words for you, quack: E-coli (seen here in a rather festive and colorful mood.)

It's high time we stop treating fecal matter like snot's dirty little brother. Next to crack cocaine and sniffing glue, the omnipresence of fecal matter is the scourge of our country's children. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit around while parents take dirty plungers to the tubs where BABIES splash!

"Marc, what about bleach and anti-bacterial solvents?"

To which I respond, "What about our children?"

To which one woman responded, "We don't have any children together."

And I countered, "I know that. I mean, 'our' in the communal sense."

And she shot back, "What are you talking about? I'm trying to break up with you and you say 'What about our children?'"

Then I replied, "But we could have children. Please don't leave."

Then she walked out the door. So I screamed, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING WITH--"

EDITOR'S NOTE: Marc is being sedated and then taken out for ice cream. He will return tomorrow with an all new Daily Shower!