ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the shower one of the greatest baseball players of all time, Derek Jeter!
(DEREK enters the shower and stands next to MARC who is nude.)
MARC: What an honor it is to have you here today. Please stand over here by the faucet.
(Marc directs Derek to underneath the shower head.)
DEREK: Thanks for having me.
MARC: It's our pleasure. Now, a few weeks ago I likened myself to you (see: I'm the Derek Jeter of Bathing) because I was also in a slump. I hope you didn't mind.
DEREK: Not at all. Our batting coach, Don Mattingly, told me about it. I was happy to hear that I wasn't the only in a slump.
MARC: Good old Don Mattingly, Donnie Baseball. A few years ago I met Donnie Baseball in the sauna at the NYSC in Staten Island. Donnie Baseball came in and didn't know how to get the correct amount of steam from the rocks. I had to teach Donnie Baseball the correct stance for holding the ladel. From then on Donnie Baseball and I have been great--
DEREK: You don't have to call him Donnie Baseball every time you refer to him.
MARC (taken aback): Well, obviously I have a little more respect for Donnie Baseball than you. Maybe that's why you were in a slump. Donnie Baseball is a great man and for you to refer to Donnie Baseball as "him" is tantamount to a bitch slap.
(Flustered, Marc momentarily ends the interview and retires to the arms of Pang, his towel girl. She feeds him a piece of sliced pineapple.)
DEREK: Listen, Marc, I love Don. He's a--
(Marc shoots Derek a look.)
DEREK: I mean, I love DONNIE Baseball. Donnie Baseball is a great guy.
(Pang feeds Marc another piece of sliced pineapple. Marc takes a deep breath and returns to the shower.)
MARC: Phew, OK. Back to the interview. So I broke out of my slump when Pang arrived. How'd you break out of yours?
DEREK: I just went out every night and kept swinging.
MARC: That's great. I used to belong to the West Philly Swingers and we'd dance every night. Our motto was to "Swing it like a Polaroid picture!"
DEREK: No, I mean swinging the bat.
MARC: Hey, they must have great showers at Yankee Stadium.
DEREK: They’re not bad.
MARC: Are they anything like the showers in the movie Major League? Remember when Tom Berenger, who played catcher Jake Taylor, needed to soak his knees and there was no hot water?
DEREK: Yeah, it’s not like that in real life.
MARC: But the really bad teams who are in last place all have an evil owner who wants them to lose so the team can be sold to another town for a lot of money. That makes sense, right?
DEREK: No. It doesn’t.
MARC: What about Major League: Back to the Minors? Scott Bakula plays the coach of a minor league team and challenges a big league team to a winner take all game?
DEREK: I don't even know who Scott Bakula is.
MARC: He's one of America's finest actors. Not only because he brilliantly portrayed Dr. Sam Beckett in the sci-fi series Quantum Leap but because he, unlike many actors in Hollywood, takes great pride in bathing. Oddly enough, Dean Stockwell who played Rear Admiral Albert 'Al' Calavicci in the hit series, was my towel boy before Pang. (See: here for further explanation of Dean's abrupt departure from the Daily Shower staff.)
(Derek, becoming fed up with this line of questioning, glares at his AGENT who stands next to the towel rack.)
MARC: Derek, you’re a great baseball player but I also hear you’re quite the Casanova with the ladies.
DEREK: I wouldn’t say that.
MARC: I happen to know for a fact that the ladies have a very special nickname for you. They call you "Jeter-Jeter-the-Pussy-Eater." Guess you love sliding headfirst into home, if you know what I mean.
(Marc nudges his wet elbow into Derek’s rib. Derek raises his bat and is about to hit Marc.)
THE DAILY SHOWER IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
YANKEES SUCK! THEY SUCK, THEY SUCK BIG WET BALLS!
Posted by: Arco | May 17, 2004 at 10:14 AM
But why are their balls wet? From the shower. See what I mean? Let's be honest here.
Posted by: Marc | May 17, 2004 at 10:29 AM
The balls are wet cause they're #$!@# @&!#@
(EDITOR'S NOTE: This comment was edited for graphic sexual content. - DS STAFF)
Posted by: Arco | May 17, 2004 at 01:04 PM
dudes,why do all of you always rank on Derek???i mean the funny part is that you guys are insulting him and he doesent even knoe it.What the hell did he ever do to you guys???nothing all of you dont want to admit but your hating,hating cuz he's a great baseball player and could get any woman he wants and yall cant.So find something else better to do then to make fun of someone,if you want to laugh ill give you a mirror
Posted by: chantel | June 16, 2004 at 08:57 AM
yOuu pEople have nO idea wHat u's are taLKin bOut..nEw yOrk yANkees aRe the bEst!!..sO dOnt BE hatEin..aNd eSpecially oNn derEk jeter..hEs my baby!!
Posted by: janineEe | July 27, 2004 at 09:24 AM
yOuu pEople have nO idea wHat u's are taLKin bOut..nEw yOrk yANkees aRe the bEst!!..sO dOnt BE hatEin..aNd eSpecially oNn derEk jeter..hEs my baby!!
Posted by: janineEe | July 27, 2004 at 09:24 AM
yOuu pEople have nO idea wHat u's are taLKin bOut..nEw yOrk yANkees aRe the bEst!!..sO dOnt BE hatEin..aNd eSpecially oNn derEk jeter..hEs my baby!!
Posted by: janineEe | July 27, 2004 at 09:24 AM
Janine,
No need to worry. We're huge Yankee/Derek Jeter fans. We watched the Red Sox
series this weekend with disbelief. How could Rivera blow a three run lead? Time for him to hit the showers!
Marc
Posted by: Marc | July 27, 2004 at 10:22 AM
I like his bat and balls!
Posted by: %*^& | July 29, 2004 at 10:29 AM
I like his bat and balls!
Posted by: %*^& | July 29, 2004 at 10:29 AM
Jeter is a baseball legend. Anyone who talks poorly of him is just jealous. Stop your crying like a bunch of babies!!
Posted by: Jennifer | August 11, 2004 at 08:24 PM
Janine,
No need to worry. We're huge Yankee/Derek Jeter fans. We watched the Red Socks
series this weekend with disbelief. How could Rivera blow a three run lead? Time for him to hit the showers!
Marc
yOuu pEople have nO idea wHat u's are taLKin bOut..nEw yOrk yANkees aRe the bEst!!..sO dOnt BE hatEin..aNd eSpecially oNn derEk jeter..hEs my baby!!
well i have to laugh.
MARC-one thing is, Red Sox is plural. no need to add an s. secondly, you completely spelled SOX wrong. it is SOX not SOCKS.
JANINE-you know u dont like them. you & i both know you only think derek is a total cutie. am i correct on this? if not please correct my wrongness. 'derek's my baby'-LMBO get a life. you know you cant have him. you have a 1 in a BAZILLION chances wit the guy. hes with alba now!!! newho, derek to me(SRY LADIES BUT ITS TRUE)
is the ugliest man in the world. how can you think
hes hot or cute? its juss gross. neway, Derek is one of the best SS to ever play the game. He is a huge part of my life. I dont worship the guy & i put him NO.1 but he is a big role-model. saying @ age 8 he is going to play SS for the Yankees then accomplishing the dream is amazing. being drafted in the 1 round 6th overall by the yankees is even more awesome. ppl u can laugh @ me all you want to
but my dream is to be the first woman to play in MLB. u can laf-but i will follow my dreams like he did. what is there in him that makes you all so angry at him? what makes you hate him? give another reason than 'imma red sox fan & he plays for the yankees'.. poor reason. i despise the sox with a mighty passion like many more & still think
nomar was a good SS. ya i hated his guts but he was good. i still to this day despise Arod tho!! he is someone you can say cruel things to ill join! but seriously(i was way off topic for a while i apologize) what makes you hate the man?
Posted by: | August 17, 2004 at 02:13 AM
Janine,
No need to worry. We're huge Yankee/Derek Jeter fans. We watched the Red Socks
series this weekend with disbelief. How could Rivera blow a three run lead? Time for him to hit the showers!
Marc
yOuu pEople have nO idea wHat u's are taLKin bOut..nEw yOrk yANkees aRe the bEst!!..sO dOnt BE hatEin..aNd eSpecially oNn derEk jeter..hEs my baby!!
well i have to laugh.
MARC-one thing is, Red Sox is plural. no need to add an s. secondly, you completely spelled SOX wrong. it is SOX not SOCKS.
JANINE-you know u dont like them. you & i both know you only think derek is a total cutie. am i correct on this? if not please correct my wrongness. 'derek's my baby'-LMBO get a life. you know you cant have him. you have a 1 in a BAZILLION chances wit the guy. hes with alba now!!! newho, derek to me(SRY LADIES BUT ITS TRUE)
is the ugliest man in the world. how can you think
hes hot or cute? its juss gross. neway, Derek is one of the best SS to ever play the game. He is a huge part of my life. I dont worship the guy & i put him NO.1 but he is a big role-model. saying @ age 8 he is going to play SS for the Yankees then accomplishing the dream is amazing. being drafted in the 1 round 6th overall by the yankees is even more awesome. ppl u can laugh @ me all you want to
but my dream is to be the first woman to play in MLB. u can laf-but i will follow my dreams like he did. what is there in him that makes you all so angry at him? what makes you hate him? give another reason than 'imma red sox fan & he plays for the yankees'.. poor reason. i despise the sox with a mighty passion like many more & still think
nomar was a good SS. ya i hated his guts but he was good. i still to this day despise Arod tho!! he is someone you can say cruel things to ill join! but seriously(i was way off topic for a while i apologize) what makes you hate the man?
Posted by: Jessi | August 17, 2004 at 02:14 AM
Janine-sry fr being so cruel to you. i juss was overly irretated to see 'derek's my baby' i am so sick of hearing that stuff & hearing how girls say hes soooooooo hot & sexy & they want to marry him. im really sry
Posted by: Jessi | August 17, 2004 at 02:16 AM
Did Derek Jeter sing this?
Downloaded a song on www.visituc.com (the link is on the top right
corner), called The House That Ruth Built. I wonder if the Yankees sang
this song? I also heard it on CBS radio. New fight song?
Posted by: rijahskies | October 20, 2004 at 10:59 PM
Wow you guys. You don't even know what your talking about. Derek Jeter is the man. He's a great baseball player and I think that your all jealous. He's soooo hot!! I LOVE YOU DEREK!!
Posted by: Ashley | October 29, 2004 at 12:26 PM
first and foremost derek jeter is a professional player so i understand were all tha hate is coming from.the yankees are the number one team in baseball compared to others. yes derek jeter is sexy along with others in his team but there is no need to hate on wat u didn't got. derek i love u baby and dont let haters ruin your day besides if he looks at this hell laugh at all ya losers. and if hes running headfirst to home the plate is right here.
sable
Posted by: sable | December 30, 2004 at 09:44 AM
RedSox suck. They're so happy they've won 1 World Series in 86 years, while the Yankees have won 25 and are the best baseball team. Pedro joined the Mets and the Unit is comin to the Bronx. The Sox will not win in 2005.
Posted by: NYYFan | December 30, 2004 at 01:20 PM
ya ur right...thats y were in second and ur in 4th dumass
Posted by: | June 08, 2005 at 04:44 PM
I'll make Pang an offer she can't refuse. Come be my towel woman. You'll never be bored :).
Posted by: T | December 04, 2005 at 01:57 PM