I Fought the Dog and the Dog Won

After yesterday's incident in which my towel assistant Mookie raped me in the shower, I was contacted by his owner, Bragan, who wrote the following message:

"I warned you about ball playing in the shower. But no, you had to tease Mookie and drive him to commit a Kobe. How dare you corrupt my poor dog, you temptress!

But know this: Your pathetic attempt to bring Mookie down to your sordid level will fail! I'm confident in our defense strategy. If the balls are clipped, you must acquit!"

Last night I was intent on pressing charges against Mookie. The Daily Shower's lawyers, informed me that we could easily win in court. Mookie may be clipped but our lawyers will argue that Mookie had eaten a whole bottle of penile enhancement pills--that he must have dug up somewhere in the neighbor's yard--just four hours before the attack. If it's in the stool....(insert clever remark that not only rhymes with stool but indicates a jury reaching a guilty verdict.)

However, against the wishes of my laywers I wrapped myself in my black pashmina and ski goggles and visited Mookie last night in jail (see above picture.) I looked him in his color blind eyes and I forgave him. I realized that my hairy back must have lead Mookie to believe that I was some kind of animal (though I can be just that, right ladies?) Bragan is right, though, I did tease Mookie (albeit inadvertently) and I shouldn't hold Bragan or Mookie responsible. As Dr. Camille Paglia says, "If you advertise you better be ready to sell." I guess I wasn't ready.

Mookie will be taking a leave of absence from The Daily Shower but we sure hope he returns soon. In the mean time, I'll just have to settle for our backup towel assistant Aloe Vera (who is so industrious that she actually made a top out of a bathmat.)

Comments

Hilarious. Can you get me Aloe Vera's phone number?

where do you find these people?

[Bragan]

Marc,

Congrats regarding Ms. Vera. She looks like the sort who would give you her shirt off her back in a time of need (such as when the old bathmat is beginning to smell).

Speaking of backs though, you'd better watch yours even while she's washing it. Sources (more reliable than Ahmed Chalabi) inform me that she's a kissing cousin to this fellow, with a temper to match. Avoid mentioning anything remotely related to Cuban politics, and above all else, no matter how tempting, DO NOT engage Ms. Vera in any bondage activities.

BTW, Mookie holds no grudges, but that unfortunate incident has ruined him for showers, and henceforth he will confine himself to baths.