The Daily Shower

Stomach Pump Up the Jam

I ate my new face wash. It smelled so delicious that I couldn't help myself. A strawberry delight that teased my senses and tricked my stomach.

I don't know if it was the Beta Hydroxy or the exfoliating microbeads but whatever it was doubled me up like a boot to the belly. As soon as the hacking started I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I tried to flush my mouth with water but that just made my mouth foam. And, for some reason, my nose started bleeding. What a day!

The doctors and nurses (even Eric the overly intense orderly) in the emergency room all had a good laugh.

If you've never seen a grown man-child wet, naked and bleeding in a bathtub you haven't seen anything. I do have pictures but they're only available for purchase at $14.99 a piece.

Sold to the man in the blue shirt with the big smile!

My last painting, part of the Untiled Collection, was sold to a Mr. Skip Hallinger of Orientalland. Because Skip's assets are tied up in his produce stand I now own half of the business. Pretty fair deal, I think.

Critics have compared my work to David Hockney's Man Taking a Shower in Beverly Hills and Two Men in a Shower.

While I respect Hockney, I find his work to be rather hackneyed. I mean, where's his blog? Enough said.

When Muscles Contract

"Cold shower best thing for hot body," says the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

I don't think my readers--or anyone with a pair of eyes for that matter--would argue that I don't have a hot body. While cold showers have their place I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and let some Daytona Beach penny saver tell me what's best for my body. I'm a grown man-child and can make my own decisions.

It doesn't take much of a leap to realize the impetus behind this story. Cold contracts things. Things like muscles. When muscles contract they appear smaller. Hot bodies look less hot with smaller muscles. You see where I'm going with this? It's obvious that the editors of this biased broadsheet must not have hot bodies and therefore want to trick those of us who do into shrinking our muscles with cold water. It's dishonest journalism and I won't stand for it.

Let's keep big media out of our showers. Showering together we can make a difference.

The Axis Showers

I believe an alliance could be in the making. Perhaps the merging of two separate but equal slivers of soap into one supernatural force.

Aloe-hah

Getting stuck in concrete yesterday was quite traumatic. Perhaps, only second to this. Fortunately the building's handyman heard me yelling for help and managed to chisel my feet out of the cement. Damn that Aloe for leaving me in the lurch like that. At least she quit on her own so I don't have to pay her any severance.

But now I'm left in an even greater jam. I have no towel assistant and with the chilly fall months upon us the task of quickly toweling off is most important.

If you're interested in applying for the position, please email Marc@thedailyshower.com.

How I will miss Aloe, though. Earlier this morning, as I enjoyed my Thursday oatmeal bath, I composed a poem to my departed helper. This was taken from the final stanza:

Like mildew on the tile
Our love grew
You will do with guile
Begin life anew

Anyone got a pick axe?

As dictated by Marc:

You're not going to believe this but I'm stuck in the shower. My towel assistant, Aloe Vera, who isn't strong enough to free me, is taking dictation. She's also very good at giving dictation but that's for another day.

I became stuck while attempting to build a concrete bird bath in the tub. I've always loved nature and figured why not share my bath with other, lesser species. As I was mixing the concrete in a wheel barrel--Not barrel, Aloe, I said barrel. No! Like arrow but with a Bee--barrow I had positioned next to the tub, I accidentally tipped the barrow, spilling its contents into the tub. Presently my feet are encased in a rather stubborn block of concrete.

Did you call the fire department? I'm asking you, Aloe. Don't type this. I want to know if you've called--STOP TYPING! I don't want you to type what I'm telling you! STOP!

From Aloe Vera:
That was Marc talking. He's yelling at me so I quit. Fuck his gringo ass.

As dictated by Marc:

DON'T YOU LEAVE!!!! NO!!!!

Back and Wetter Than Ever!

The Daily Shower apologizes for not showering lately. We were in Greece for the Olympics, spent some time in Hollywood bathing with TV executives, and did some modeling for a painting.

Now we're back and I feel I should extend a warning to those who follow my bathing habits like the teachings of a god.

Because of my great success with Neutrogena's anti-dandruff shampoo T/Gel, I decided to try their Deep Clean Gentle Scrub face wash.

The "gentle" mircobeads which are mixed into the cleansing cream are anything but gentle. Imagine tossing a handful of glass shards into a bowl of hot porridge and then rubbing that porridge all over your face. (You could also just imagine glass shards in a cleansing cream, too.) After a week of using Deep Clean Gentle Scrub I've suffered substantial facial bleeding and have been rushed to the hospital at least three times.

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not advising readers to stay away from the Deep Clean. In fact it doesn't hurt as much as you'd expect. It's actually the kind of pain that makes you smile. However, if you're one who doesn't feel the need to punish yourself with oh-so-soothing pain then I suggest sticking with a non-beaded scrub.

We in da Greek bath house

Greetings from the 2004 Summer Olympics!

I'm in Greece with a delegation from the Professional Bathers Organization lobbying the IOC to recognize the competitive sport of professional bathing. Once the sport is recognized, it will be placed on the official list of International Sports Federations. From there we hope to initiate the process of taking the sport to the Olympic level.

Apart from the business of our trip, we've been enjoying all the events. Our favorite has to be the water sports. The secretary of the PBO, Frank Schatzman, pointed out this brilliant pool-side apparatus.

We both gave it a score 8.5.

Jeter Jitters

Apparently our friends over at The House That Jeter Built Forum didn't appreciate our in-depth interview with Derek Jeter some months ago.

It pains us to read that some think our interview was sarcastic or ironic. This could not be further from the truth. We greatly respect each and every one of our guests. The Derek Jeter fans even questioned if our interview was legit, if we doctored the image in some way.

Does this look fake to you?

Don't insult us. We try very hard to please our readers. All we ask is for the same common courtesy you'd extend to the man who paints nature.

Hot Water Painting

Loyal TDS reader Diana writes about my art work:

"Will this image be out in a set of limited edition autographed lithographs for $19.99 each?"

Yes, Diana, all of my paintings will be available for purchase. However, $19.99 each is far too low a price. My first series of shower mat prints will be sold individually for $1,200.00 a piece. TDS readers will be offered a special discounted rate of $1,199.99. Female readers named Miho will receive the paintings for free.

I'm currently painting another self-portrait. This time I will feature myself in mid-air suspended by a geyser of T/Gel shampoo. It's titled, "T/Swell."

I feel reborn as an artist.